Sum Of
Urban LegendI drove to the post office the other day (in my FREE new Honda that I got just for forwarding their e-mail to my friends!) to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals) and to mail a letter to my congressman urging him to stop Madeline Murray O'Hare from banning the right to play Christmas carols in public when I ran into a friend. He stopped to compliment me on my new outfit (one of the many I got FREE from the Gap and J. Crew for forwarding their e-mails to everyone I knew). When I asked how he was doing, he told me that his son was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. His daughter had survived a bout with the flesh-eating virus she got from a Costa Rican banana, and his wife was conscious and feeling better, but they were a little tight on money after the cologne-sniffing incident.
Oddly enough, he told me that his neighbor had suddenly passed away from a spider bite. Apparently it was a rare, South American spider that got here by way of an international flight and is known to hide under the lids of public toilet seats. If only he had been warned to look before he sat down, he might have survived. Equally as unfortunate was his other neighbor who went scuba diving on his day off, got scooped up by a forestry helicopter, and dumped in the middle of a huge fire! Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed! Although after what he told me next, maybe it doesn't pay either way!
Anyway, my friend told me that not long ago his friend had gone to sleep and when he awoke, he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said, "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is. He's the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail, and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails. One of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel - if you get it and forward it to MORE than 10 people, you will have good luck, but for 10 people, you will only have OK luck, and if you send it to fewer than 10 people, you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS. The other one gets you a FREE case of Coca-Cola, just for receiving the e-mail!
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital and hoped he would make it since he was almost out of gas and he couldn't buy any because he was part of the nation-wide "Gas Out," but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Which was ironic because there was a man with a knife hiding in his back seat who would have killed him anyway.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk e-mail, and you will receive four green M&M's, but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.