Product Announcement: KL-1000
An Exclusive Offer to Readers of this Publication Recent developments in microcomponent technology now permit us to make available an extraordinary precision device--the KL-1000. Weighing less than one ounce, it is no larger than a domestic olive, yet it performs all the photographic, data-processing, and information-retrieval functions you yourself do--automatically. The KL-1000 adjusts to available light, sets shutter speed and aperture, then calculates, displays, and prints out on plain paper tape the cube root of your Social Security number. This is photography made so automatic it leaves you completely "out of the picture." The KL-1000 not only flashes "SAY CHEESE" and "STOP MOVING AROUND" on its unique L.E.D. monitor screen, it also warns you that you're not taking enough photographs, advances the film after each exposure, then hot-wires your car to rush the completed roll to the drugstore for processing. Don't feel like capturing those personal moments of your life before forgetting them? Relax. It isn't up to you anymore. A whole world of precision capability is out there, waiting to enter your home and your life with this fully integrated, so-much-more-than-a-camera device, so much more than a camera. Micro-fiche-and-chips technology makes it a computer, too--performing virtually all functions, including logarithms, in Roman numerals. Its binaural jack accommodates two sets of featherweight headphones, so both you and a friend can rollerskate to Coast Guard channel-depth broadcasts. Its light-activated voice simulator tells you to balance the family budget, chart stocks and bonds, stop smoking clean your room, and be considerate of others. You can talk back, too: the clip-on dynamic microphone instantly triggers a sustained, loud buzzing--enough to wake the soundest sleeper--if you say anything at all within a fifty-foot radius of the KL-1000. Yet that is not all, because disc-and-data fineline crosshair-tronics has enabled us to program the KL-1000 to do *everything*--and more-- automatically. Consider these exclusive features: AT THE OFFICE. Thanks to mini-laser technopathy, the KL-1000 not only copies any-sized document, it actually vaporizes the original's byline without a trace, and substitutes your own name, sex, political affiliation, and yearly income. Its data-network-access function lets you be part of the grid, too, as it narrowcasts product inventory and inflow-outflow figures to your digital watch. The KL-1000A word-processing attachment assures perfection every time--misspelled words or computational errors are immediately obliterated by its built-in document shredder, which also shorts out all electrical power to the entire building and releases a semi-toxic paralyzing gas. Just get it right the first time, and forget it! WHILE TRAVELLING. Optional carry-strap lets you wear it on your belt, or leave it in your room--the strap extends to a full half mile, and retains enough water in even lightest drizzles to provide nooselike snugness and hamper torso circulation. Or remain in the room yourself; the unit travels freely on its own, and will simulate your signature on major purchases of clothing, art, and real estate without your even knowing. In every major foreign city, the KL-1000 does it all: orders gourmet meals for twenty while you struggle with the menu, loudly contradicts you in museums, and forwards your souvenir purchases to General Delivery, Lima, Peru. All you do is pay freight and handling. And you need never again worry about destroyed traveller's checks, cancelled credit cards, and misplaced passports--the KL-1000 does all these, and more, while you sleep. In the morning, enjoy your own original compositions of up to twelve accordionlike notes in real music, "the international language." The KL-1000 will record and transcribe these melodies automatically, then engrave the notes onto an attractive brass pendant, which it will offer for sale to friends and strangers. Do not worry about accidentally switching off the unit, either, because you can't--not even deliberately. AT HOME. Self-contained forty-eight-hour timer lets it tell itself when forty-eight hours have elapsed, after which timer shuts itself off automatically. All you do is hide in a closet. Later, use the microwave transponder attachment to receive hitherto unavailable signals from turkeys, rasts, and hams. When no one is home, it plays both eight-track and cassette recordings, switches lights and appliances on and off, and displays random words in Italian on its high-resolution screen. The KL-1000 wards off burglars all night long by announcing, in a voice mathematically similar to your own, "We're awake...we're awake..." Then, in the morning, it counts your pushups, uses all the hot water, and ignores you at the table. Coffee? Of course. There's even some for you. And don't worry about getting dressed--it gets dressed for everyone, then dials ten frequently called telephone numbers and leaves a short inspirational message in your name. All you do is stay undressed, watch, and go back to bed. Advances in micro-waferonics enable the KL-1000 to use 3-D graphic simulation to transfer black-and-white computerized likenesses of you and your family to T-shirts, dogs, and frozen foods. Switch from audio to visual readout for its smoke-detection mode, and receive a hard-copy sheet reading "SMOKE" when your house burns down. A device of state-of-the-art convenience, the KL-1000 has already projected your technological needs and, with funds transferred from your checking account or savings account, has purchased itself. It has already expedited its own delivery. Indeed, the KL-1000 is already in your home or office--over there, near that lamp. It is already on line, shredding potatoes and complaining about your posture, automatically. All you do is nothing. Just set it at "HIGH" and run away. You'll never have to do anything else for as long as it lives. --Ellis Weiner