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Real Programmers Don't Each Quiche
REAL PROGRAMMERS Don't Eat Quiche
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and
other foods that are available/consumable "on-the-fly."
Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program
right down to the base metal. Application programming is for
dullards who can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for
whatever they get; they are lucky to get programs at all.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons
who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all,
the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts;
look how much good it did them.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is
the hallmark of a novice and the cowardly.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon
Business Oriented Laymen who can run neither a business nor a real
program.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp
engineers who wear white socks and get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal
retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can
be written on one line.
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* Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only sissy programs contain *
* more parenthesis than actual code. *
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Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, ADA, BLISS or any type of
those other sissy computer languages. Strong typing is a crutch
for people with weak memories.
Real Programmers' program never work right the first time. But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working
order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If an Real Programmers are
around at 9 a.m., it is because they were up all night long.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which
requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is okay and
therefore Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a
mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine
room.
Real Programmers disdain from structured programming. structured
programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely
toilet trained, wear neckties, and carefully line up their sharp
pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers don't like Team Programming. Unless, of course,
they are the Chief Programmer.
Real Programmers never "write" memos on paper. They always "send"
memos via E-Mail.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Manager are a necessary
evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners, and other mental midgets.
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal
point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think
big.
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up
schedules, managers "firm up" schedules and frightened coders
strive to meet schedules but, Real Programmers ignore schedules.
Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell
it, they don't eat it. And vending machines don't sell quiche.
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