The Virus Directory (1992 edition)
VIRUS TYPES From PC COMPUTING Nov '92 AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. (Also known as the Maple Leafs Virus.) Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. Congressional Virus (Party Strain): Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Congressional Virus (Status Quo Strain): Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Dan Quayle Virus (College Strain): Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt. Dan Quayle Virus (Murphy Strain): Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with being marryied to its own motherboard. Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 margin of error). George Bush Virus (Japanese Strain): Eats some of your files, then immediately regurgitates them. George Bush Virus (American Strain): It starts by boldly stating "Read my text . . . No new files!" onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congress virus. Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. Jeffrey Dahmer Virus: Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece. Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Nobody can find it. Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike Virus: Just does it. Ollie North Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. PBS Virus: Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money. Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Quantum Leap Virus: One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo. Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randall Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file. Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files. Willard Scott Virus: Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions. -- With thanks to dave@csd.uwo.ca